i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
