I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Farmville is her only friend.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
