im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
