He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
you made out with another girl for some wings
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
