All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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