Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize