we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
