Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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