Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
