just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
