I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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