I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I need to calm my uterus...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
