Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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