i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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