guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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