Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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