I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
