After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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