Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
