Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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