When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just high enough for therapy.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
