im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
