spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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