Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
