I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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