Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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