I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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