the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize