May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
