I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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