So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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