mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
