Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
