so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
