Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
