you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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