Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
