Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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