So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
