im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
