...so i touched it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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