I seem to have left my pride at pride
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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