sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
