I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
