I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
