I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
