he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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