I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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