There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
i want to swaddle you in tequila
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
