3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
