Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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