so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
