so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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