I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Hippo gnu deer
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
