I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
