Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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