Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
