Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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